List of Unsolicited Advice

My niece on Jason's side turned 13 recently.  She is amazing, smart, and talented. I wish I had the confidence and ability to talk to anyone as easily as she does. She definitely doesn't need advice from me, but it got me thinking about advice I'd like to give my younger self. I don't know. Sentimentality turns me into an over-sharer I guess. It's not just advice for a 13 year old, and I'm not even going to pretend it's comprehensive.  Everyone is definitely allowed to roll their eyes at me and take this with more than a grain of salt, as even I realize I'll never actually be qualified to give life advice. 

1.  Use proper grammar.  I am not the best speller, so am a bit of a hypocritical grammar Nazi, but really, I just have so many emotions about the English language, education, and the state of society when I see such rampant disregard for the proper use of "your" versus "you're" and the like.  I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but friends, I plead with you, it is.  I have heard stories of people who do not get recommended for a job because of poor grammar.  Ok - off my grammar soap box.  I think I just shot myself in the foot and will probably have a typo in every single post from now on.

2.  If you are asking someone "When are you going to start dating/ get married/ have kids?" then I hope you are close enough to that person to be in said wedding.  Some people really would love to be in that next stage of life and aren't, so questions about it can be salt in the wound.  I'm finally realizing how guilty I am of asking insensitive questions and the silly part is that I often do so simply because I can't think of anything else to say.  It takes a little more brainpower, but here's to more creative topics of conversation.

3.  Be nice to people who are new or without friends.  Don't just not be mean.  I often wish I had been more friendly to less popular kids growing up instead of being so concerned that I'd miss out if I wasn't with the cool kids.  When it was my turn to be the "new girl," even just a short conversation with someone could turn into the highlight of the day.

4.  Mom is always right.  My mom still supported me when I didn't make the choices that she recommended, but I can't even tell you how many times I've looked back and wished I'd done the harder/ less popular/ less "fun" thing that she recommended. I'm grateful I can say that too, because I know not everyone can.

5.  Jewelry and a belt are all you need to make most outfits look put together, although I usually just do one piece when it's big.

6.  If you have to risk being either overdressed or underdressed, be overdressed.

7.  Say thank you to those whose job it is to help you - teachers, train conductors, waiters, etc. If nothing else, it can only help to have a friend if you are in a jam.

8.  You can pick your friends, but not your family.  This means be careful to pick good friends.  It also means that if you can have a close relationships with your family, it is something to prioritize and treasure. 

9.  Don't say to someone after they break up with their significant other anything along the lines of, "I never liked so-and-so anyways... He/she wasn't good for you..." Two reasons why: First, if you had legitimate concerns or reasons to dislike that person, it is your job as a friend to share those concerns in the most caring way possible, as soon as you can.  What if the relationship continues, and they get married?  You'll be too late. Second, if your concerns aren't actually legitimate, then saying negative things about someone is never helpful, and can really come back to bite you if they get back together.

10.  Time is so precious.  Don't waste it - yours or others'.  Don't let others waste your time who don't actually care about you.  Don't waste other people's time if you don't actually care about them.

11.  I know a lot of these aren't necessarily specific to being any age, much less thirteen. But maybe the thing I wish I'd realized most at that age is that there is a big, huge world out there! There are way more friends, places to live, colleges to go to, people to fall in love with or jobs to get than just what you know now! I sometimes look back now and realize what a narrow view of things I had at the time. I made choices based on the few experiences I'd had or others I knew had. It's hard to remember in the moment, but I wish I had been less concerned about the small worries of the moment, spent less effort on being liked.  I wish I had been more willing to go somewhere I didn't know anybody, and more open to deviations in my life plan. Those deviations are probably the only thing one can count on anyways. You don't know what you don't know, but I suppose that isn't just a curse for the young.

So that's my list. I didn't even have 13 things for 13 years old, and I'm sure some things would have been different if I had different life experiences.  Not to say I don't have more advice - want to know where the best cupcakes in DC are? Want to hear about coupons? Ways to get motor oil off carpet? Just call me Ann Landers - but that's it for now.  I'll probably have a new list when my niece turns 21.  Probably the top recommendation would be, "Don't make lists about life recommendation." :)

Goodbye Summer

Tradition.  I like new experiences, new places.  They're exciting.  Tradition has roots.  One year when I was in middle school, our annual family trip was to New England instead of the familiar stretch of beach in Maryland. When we got home though, my sister and I asked my parents when we were going to go on vacation.  It just wasn't a complete summer without the beach.

This year we introduced the kids to the Ocean City experience. Dillon stopped to play with any ball he could find, whether or not the owner was using it. Claire's feet conveniently hurt halfway through her daily walks on the beach with my dad. At least that's what she told us from her perch atop his shoulders.  They loved running full speed down the boardwalk, only stopping for dogs (Claire) or bikes (Dillon). They loved it. I think it's in their blood.

Jason has come with me every year since we started dating.  The summer he was gone, my parents came with me.  I think we spent more time eating at our favorite places than actually on the beach.  I fill him in on my memories.  Here is where we always get subs.  Here is where we stayed when our friends came with us.  I can't believe my entire high school class all came for the day when we organized it.  This is where I stayed with friends when I was in college...feeling so responsible on our first trip without any parents.  Wow, that was a long time ago... this one time...we always...

Why did you always go here? he asks. It's not exactly the prettiest beach.  There were practical reasons, but I forget.

We plan out where we will go next time.  This spot will be good for when we have kids.  Blurry mental pictures.  Other years we've gone to other beaches but we still squeeze in a day trip to Ocean City.  Because we love the beach so much or just because it's what we do? 

We always underestimate the drive.  We stop at my favorite gas station.  I tell the same story each time. One time when it was just my sister and I we ran out of windshield wiper fluid but were too cheap to pay for more, so I tried to stick my hand out the window and splash water on the salt-covered windshield while traveling 50 mph.  None of the water got on the windshield.  All of it got on my face. 

We get donuts.  We get sand in the car.  It's crowded.  It's full of tacky shops.  Full of memories.  Pictures from the past.  Glimpses of the future.  Tradition carried on until next year.

30 + "Deep"

Guys, I turned 30 this month. I kind of got confused last year, and thought I was turning 30 then, so it was a little bit of a relief to have another year in my 20's. Oh my days of being young and naive. I know. I'm not "that old." And I know if turning 30 happened a while ago for you I just made you feel "really old," and I'm sorry. So I turned 30, but I guess I also turned into a bit of a deep thinker, because along with this birthday, I’ve got some musings and mulling-overs to share.

Milestones, in my case, the start of a new decade, have a way of turning your head, shifting your gaze to the path you’ve come down, identifying the steps that brought you to the present. The good is clearer, but so are regrets, and changing directions seems little harder. I don’t know why I didn’t have these thoughts last year when I thought I was turning 30… I don’t know, it wasn’t a big deal then, but it’s been a different year. This year, I approached my birthday with a heavier heart. And while responsibilities, physical pains, and experiences do make me feel older, I think it's more mental. 2014 has been full of things in life not working out as expected. Not always disappointments, but not always pleasant either. Moves and jobs haven't panned out. Plans and hopes have been thrown out the window and smashed on the pavement. Hurts and trials have required opportunities for love and forgiveness. We've walked alongside friends who buried their precious daughter. We watched others lose loved ones to recklessness, sickness and unexplainable reasons. More than ever I'm aware of the broken world we live in, and the destruction of sin around us and through us. If you take an even bigger step back and consider the suffering that occurs on a global scale, it's truly overwhelming. It makes me want to throw up my hands in a teary mess.

We often sings songs at church that express an anticipation of heaven, such as the Horatio Spafford hymn, It Is Well, which has this verse:

"And Lord haste the day when our faith shall be sight.
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll.
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul."

In years past, I often had the thought, "This is weird. Does anyone realize what are we signing? Haste the day? Are we asking to die sooner? Um. Heaven is probably going to be good, but I kind enjoy my life too. God, don't really hasten it too much, or maybe just wait until after I get to do more cool things."

I think I get it now though. I don't enjoy life less - on the contrary, I'm seeing how fast it flies and am doing my best to treasure it. More and more though, I'm growing in my anticipation of heaven. I'm ready for a world that isn't broken, that isn't full of injustices and hurts. Ready to reunite with loved ones. Ready to "see in full" what is only faith now. The truth in Philippians 1:21-23 resounds more clearly: “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me... I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far.”

Horatio Spafford wrote that hymn, It Is Well, after terrible tragedy struck his family in 1873. According to Wikipedia (also what I learned from Adventures in Odessey), his son died of scarlet fever, he experienced financial ruin during the Chicago Fire, and then the rest of his children died in a shipwreck. Yet he wrote that hymn while making the same voyage. Such circumstances contradiction the notion that anything would be “well.” However, I love the reminder that even when my world is not well, my soul can be, because as the hymn says, “Christ has regarded my helpless estate, and hath shed His own blood for my soul.” That truth still holds.

So… happy birthday to me! All my friends are now glad I didn’t have a party to celebrate. Can you imagine if I had been called upon to make some kind of speech? I’m only thirty and am all doom and gloom and sound ready to check out – and I’ve got what I hope are decades to go! I’m sure I’ll have some kind of gems to share about failing bodies and the deplorable state the world is heading to in a few years. But seriously, whether you are older or younger, maybe you know what I'm talking about. The sure things in life are death and taxes, though "trials" could be added to the list as well, right? Yet not despair.

Milestones not only give you pause to reflect on the past, but they also create fresh hope for the future. I think this next decade is going to be awesome as I watch my nieces and nephews grow up, experience life with my best friend, and insert some other happy cliché about the unknown here. If I'm honest, I know the future will probably hold more hurts too, but with it, the truth that "It is well."

Us

"I want you to be the last person I see every night, and the first person I see every morning."

With that he gets off the bench and on one knee in front of me and fishes something sparkly out of his pocket.  It's getting dark, but my eyes are so watery I can't see it clearly anyway.

"I know you wanted me to wait, but I can't wait any longer.  Will you marry me?"

The tears are running down my face now.  "Yes!"

Maximum Utility: Interesting Articles + a Dash of Thought

(The economic unit for measuring preferences or satisfaction is utility.  Each person's preferences are different, but here are a few things that have been impacting my utility lately.)

A few weeks ago, I lamented to Jason that I no longer recognize most of the names in the lineup at the 9:30 club, likely DC’s best-known music venue.  I’m just not the music fan I used to be.  Back in the day, I’d have concerts on the calendar, knew a lot of the obscure bands, and had the perfect song for every moment playing on my first generation iPod.  Over the past few years though, music has taken a back seat.  It could be that I’m not full of angst or crying over boys or doing anything else that requires having the same emo song on repeat.  Instead of hanging out with musicians, I’m married to a guy whose last music purchase was over a year ago.  It was classical music.  I rarely drive now, so I never hear new music on the radio, and contrary to my college-years, I can’t think with too much noise in the background, so often go days without signing into Pandora or iTunes. Now I’m so out of the music loop, and I’m ok with that. 

So that’s why this article was interesting to me: "Are Foodies Quietly Killing Rock-and-Roll" by Chris Richards in May 10’s Washington Post.  An excerpt: 

"Over the past decade, we’ve seen the rise of the foodie class and decline of the record industry. Are the two related? When did we start talking about new food trucks instead of new bands? When did the line outside El Centro D.F. taqueria get longer than the line outside the Black Cat? Is $8 a reasonable price for an order of duck fat french fries just because we can stream our music for free on Spotify?... [F]ood culture isn’t linking arms with rock-and-roll so much as replacing it."

I wouldn’t consider myself a “foodie,” but we definitely love food.  And the article sure provided some “food” for thought.  (Groan!)

The next two articles also came out a while ago, and I've been stewing on them both lately because they both have to do with two of the affects social media can have on us. The first article is “Instagram's Envy Effect” by Karen Russell for Relevant magazine:

"I’m not anti-technology or anti-Internet, certainly, but I do think it’s important for us to remind ourselves from time to time that watching other peoples’ post-worthy moments on Facebook is always going to yield a prettier version of life than the one you’re living right now. That’s how it works."

It seems like her point is that prettied-up versions of what we see of people's lives can often make us envious and erodes community. I know I've seen a lot of other blog posts that are almost "confession-like" as writers try to connect with readers by admitting their lives are not just a slew of one perfectly curated images after another. It's a good reminder. It doesn't take more than a few minutes of scrolling through my blog reader before I start envying someone else's job or house or wardrobe or whatever. Throw in more pretty things I don't have or places I haven't been showing up on pinterest and instagram and I-need-to-have-it-too-and-it-doesn't-matter-that-I-already-had-x-y-or-z! No matter how many blogs or magazines I purposely don't read, it's so easy to compare myself and feel dissatisfied when I don't measure up, however realistic that comparison is.

And here's the thing, oh Internet readers, I don't want to do that to you. I think to some extent, Jason and I are aware that God blesses us in ways we don't deserve, and we truly try to be thankful for that. We also know that a lot of the traveling we do fits into this period of our lives, but won't be like this for long. I don't want to create “instagram-envy” or glamorize our lives or turn this into a brag. 

On the other hand, if I'm keeping it real, a lot in our life right now is really awesome. Blogging about trips or fun things we do is my way of remembering it for myself, sharing with friends who really want to know, and sharing the knowledge I've gained on the way. I'm a nerd, so it really helps me to plan when I hear a lot of detail about someone else's experience, which is my motivation to do the same.

This article, “Please Continue Instagramming Your Amazing Life,” kind of described the positive effects of hearing about other people's amazing adventures: it can inspire you to do the same, resulting in actually building community based on shared interest:

"Are we really comparing our lives to those of our 'friends' online? Do we do the same thing in person? Do you hang up the phone after catching up with a friend and say 'I hate her. Her life is so perfect.'? Well. I’m a big fan of social media. I like to know when friends find places that make them feel awesome, or do things they’re excited to share, or find joy anywhere."

I like this perspective, because it reminds me that sometimes others actually do want to hear about the stuff I'm excited about too. Recently, a friend asked why I hadn't instagrammed more pictures of a trip we just got back from. It made me realize that I often assume friends don't want to know when they actually do.

So with that, enjoy your weekend enjoying music or food and instagram it.. or don't cause I'll get jealous!

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel

"The most wonderful time of the year..." I love Christmas.  The lights, the pine, shopping, eating, tradition, family and friends - I love it all! And hopefully I'll be sharing more of my highlights in days to come.  However, this year, maybe more than other years, I've been more keenly aware that it isn't all joy and cheer for everyone.  Sometimes Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year.  Sometimes Christmas reminds us of what we lost, who we don't have, and ways we hurt.  Heartbreak still occurs during the holidays, making the contrast all the more striking.

Maybe that's why the words to one of my favorite carols gave me pause: "Rejoice."  Why? In each verse, the reason to rejoice isn't because of the presents, reindeer, snow or anything else associated with commercialized Christmas.  No, the present time being sung about is "lonely exile," "gloomy clouds," and "the path to misery!"  And I know some of us have been there or are there.  So why rejoice?  I don't think we're supposed to gloss over trails and put on a fake smile because it is Christmas.  We live in a fallen world.  Because of it we experience hardship, death, and relationships that aren't as God created them to be, and we mourn the effects of sin. 

But, there will be an end.  That is the reason we celebrate Christmas.  "Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel."  What a good reminder this song was to me that Christ is what we have to rejoice about.  And unlike the Israelites being sung about, we are not just rejoicing at the thought of a Savior yet to come, he has already come!  We already know the story of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection. We already know that we have a Savior, that the trials will come to an end, and that there is more for us than this fallen world.  "For unto you is a born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." (Luke 2:11)  What a reason to rejoice!